my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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