have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
