So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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