I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
