my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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