i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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