Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
