Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
They took my balls.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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