i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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