I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
