So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
