Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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