Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
