nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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