If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
