I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
