Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
