I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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