I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
