If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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