I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my liver is dry heaving
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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