I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
