She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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