i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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