I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
