There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
