3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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