This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
