Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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