i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
