The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
