My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
