I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
