How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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