I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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