I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
