Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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