Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
