I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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