I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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