he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
