Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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