It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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