i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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