Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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