we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
