In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
