Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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