i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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