Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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