i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
