what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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