Don't you send me to vm
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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