I think I died a long time ago.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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