I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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