Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
