Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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