Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
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Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
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I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you never un-have a 4some
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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