It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
