I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
