I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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