Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
