If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
