Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
