I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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