the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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