I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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